A Cougars Fan’s reaction to the Fall 2023 Varsity Math Season

Varsity Tournament 2022.

WE’VE WON THE VARSITY TOURNAMENT BY COMING BACK AGAINST THE CHURCHMEN IN THE PHILLY BOTTLE!!! And we won the Philly League regular season too… I know we’re graduating a lot of strong seniors this year… but at least we have the new Varsity Math GOAT to succeed Forest Ho-Chen. He just has to graduate.

December 2022.

What are all of these rumors that we’re going to cut Wilson Chen? He’s not going anywhere… he’s going to graduate as a George School Cou-

GM/Coach H. Davis’ statement.

No… No no no… NO NO NO… we can’t be cutting Wilson Chen… He’s the new Varsity Math GOAT… we can’t get rid of him…

Wilson Chen’s not feeling well… this is a disaster… Come on, if we get rid of him, who’s going to train the class of ‘24 on how to do well and captain?

Oh, the Shipley Varsity Math Team is trying to pretend that they’re happy with their Varsity Tournament performance, even though we won… but they’re going to be so happy if we get rid of Wilson Chen…

Come on, what are we doing?

We’re keeping Wilson Chen! Ok, we just need to train the next generation of great Varsity Math players, and we should still be able to win the league, or at least be top 3. I know that the league is getting more competitive with GFS and EAsttown, but…

And now the Westtown Moose have a top Varsity Math prospect… and we haven’t trained our ‘26 class… that might be a problem… but maybe we can just have our senior class train our ‘26 class, and then we’ll be just as good…

And now Linglong Dai isn’t going to train anyone… Well, at least we have a strong captain in Wilson Chen who can train everyone else on the team on how to captain and how to play well, and… (dramatic music starts playing) no… no no no… he was staying… HE WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY!!! WE’RE GETTING RID OF WILSON CHEN?!?!?

We are so screwed… we are so screwed. We might not win a single game this year… we are going to go from the best team in the league to the worst… just from this one thing…

Not only did we get rid of our best players, but now we can’t even train our younger players! How are we going to do this? How are we going to do any better than last place?

Remember how right after the Varsity Tournament when we had confidence that we could win again and everyone thought we’d be at least top 3? Right now, no one has any confidence in us at all… but Varsity Math is a team sport after all… so maybe if we can have eight AIME qualifiers again…

AMCs.

Only four AIME qualifiers… the Churchmen had nine… and the Moose had someone with a very high score… and so did the Fords? We are so screwed… and other schools weren’t even there… We are so screwed… we don’t have anyone who can lead the team…

PMC/Klein Bottle.

Oh look… we won an unofficial award… but nothing actual… You know, I remember when people had confidence in this team…

Purple Comet.

We did something… but we don’t have a full team… no leaders… and what is going on with our ‘26 class? At least we’re back in the top 5 for Philly teams? Top 5 is pretty good…

USAJMO results.

And the Westtown Moose have someone in the top 5 nationally… as a first year… they better not be the new GOAT… Wilson Chen could have blocked them from being the best… But at least we have Simone Lu…

Draft.

How are we supposed to get anyone? We don’t have Wilson Chen… and we’re going to lose Jimmy Ding, Yuki Wang, Ted Xia… and a few others… I know we have a new star striker… and Simone Lu will be in goal this year… so we need to draft a defense or left mid…

We drafted Bill Li… don’t know who’s going to train him… can’t develop him as a sophomore… and then two of the other best players in the draft fell to the Moose and Tigers. Ok, we have Luca Pellegrini. I mean… at least we drafted a defense… At least we’re filling holes in our roster… but we better find a new captain…

Why can’t we just have nice things? Wilson Chen would have easily trained this team to success… and I feel like we’re running out of miracles…

Like, how are we supposed to beat any of the top teams this year?

Schedule release and restructuring.

And we’re playing only the top teams this year… though not GFS for some reason. Well, there goes any confidence from the Purple Comet, USAJMO, and draft.

We play the Churchmen and Gators twice… We are so screwed… Like, at least the Owls can’t hurt us, but we don’t have any easy matches, and we might even lose during the bye week… we are so screwed… like, we are literally projected to go 1-19…

Preseason.

Holy [redacted], we still have to do math after all of that…

Week 1: Fords, 29-27/40 win.

THIS IS OUR PHILLY BOTTLE!!! Hey, Fords! Let’s drive! I can’t believe it… we’re undefeated! Bill Li… perfect score already… Now that’s what a first overall pick should be like. Is this confidence? In the GSVMT Cougars? Oh no, the Blue Devils scored 40 on the Churchmen… but you know… maybe we can beat the best week one team again…

Week 2: Blue Devils, 31-14/40 win.

We just blew out the best week one team… We won two games… that’s already way more than anyone could have expected… and our defense held the Blue Devils to only 14 points? And our offense looked pretty good too? Fans have a bit of confidence that we can still be ranked this year. Here's GSVMT!

Week 2: Waunakee Community High School, 32-38/40 loss.

And there’s the real GSVMT, but our first two games… those were just great. Also, what happened to our defense?

Week 3: Gators, 32-23/40 win.

We won an FSL match! We are the top team in the FSL… and we’re not the worst team in the league… and we didn’t let their best player get anything… looks like we’ve got our defense figured out… is this what hope feels like?

Week 3: Collegiate School, 39-38/40 win.

So our defense doesn’t seem to be that good in nationals… but our offense… carries us to a win… but hey, defense wins games, and offense wins championships, so…

Week 4: Churchmen, 32-35/40 loss.

Yeah, this match was unwinnable. No one thought that we would be competitive, but we only lost by three… wait, why does this score look so familiar?

Also, now the Moose are in first place for the FSL?

Week 4: Pinelands Regional High School Eulers, 32-0/40 win.

There we go, there’s our defense… now we just need our defense to show up in the Philly League matches…

Week 5: Rams, 29-23/40 win.

There we go, a defensive match, and our defense held the Rams to 23… we just need our defense to keep doing that… also, we still have the GOAT, and we’ll have the next one too.

Week 5: Regis Jesuit High School, 39-38/40 win.

Yo, are we about to get another blowout in nationals? We’re up 30-14…

WHAT ARE WE, LADUE HORTON WATKINS, IT’S NOT 30-15, WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!?

We held out for the win! We didn’t blow it!

Week 6: Moose, 32-17/40 win.

Ok. We’re second place in FSLs, second place in the Philly League somehow… and we’re taking on a tough opponent… lost a lot of confidence last week, especially in our defense… but this is the Moose… we should be fine…

Oh, we are more than fine. 32-17? That’s NINE straight wins against the Moose. There’s just never going to be a Waterhouse Bottle. First in FSLs! First in Philly! And Ben Klick only played one game, that’s probably going to not count. Oh, and we eliminated the Gators from the FSL. Looks like the Churchmen may have lost to the bye week… well, kind of.

Week 6: Troy HS, 34-38/40 loss.

Yeah, that went about as expected. But we’re 17th in the country. Hopefully, we can win a nationals playoff game this year. Also, if we lose, I’m just going to say that we’re rebuilding. I mean, we still are…

Week 7: Bye, 34-0/40 win.

The Jaguars aren’t a real team. But we win anyway.

Week 7: Palm Harbor, 29-32/40 loss.

Ok, our defense is looking pretty good. Not conceding 38 points this time… But it looks like our offense decided to suck again. And we’re getting first rounded again. And this is where our dream season ends. Every single year in nationals. We haven’t won a nationals bracket match in three years. MC’s not going to become the GOAT now… unless we win some championships… but oh, it’s not like we have more miracles left, right?

Week 8: Churchmen, 33-29/40 win.

I don’t even care about this match. There’s no way the Churchmen will blow a major lead again. Ok, we got one perfect score from MC. Wait… we’re actually doing well?

Oh my goodness, the Churchmen are pulling a Haverford High… they’re blowing it! We’re going to win!

MC Gu, Kevin Gong, Luke Zhang, Anna Gluschuk, and Jackson Yang all looked incredible today… and we are now Philly League champions! This is the greatest story in Varsity Math history. No one thought we could win the Philly League’s League Bottle this year, but we just did… Now what?

Scoreboard update:

Bruh, MC and Kevin Gong each outscored an entire team…

Week 9: Gators, 37-26/40 win.

Varsity Bottle against the Gators, we win again, and WE ARE FRIENDS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS AND PHILLY LEAGUE CHAMPIONS!!! So now we just have to wait until the playoffs, which we are hosting.

Regular Season Honors.

MC Gu named Philly League individual champion because EA’s trying to cheese the system. And then Kevin Gong, Luke Zhang, and Jackson Yang all got FSL All League? We could do this… we could win the Varsity Tournament… I mean, it’s possible…

Also, is Bill Li in the FSL D1 Honorable Mentions? Yeah, Honey Slime. I knew he was a good person to pick first overall.

Varsity Tournament Round 1: Churchmen, 6-4/6 win.

We beat the Churchmen! Honestly expected it to be closer… and OH MY GOODNESS GSVMT WHITE BEAT THE QUAKERS… Those are our backups! Right now, it looks like us and the Rams are the top two teams… are we about to get a Legends Bottle in the finals?

Varsity Tournament Round 2: Gators, 19-10/30 win.

Aw… I wanted to win by 10. But at least our defense seems to be good. Offense still did pretty well, but the Moose really looked good. They’re going to be a tough matchup. Or maybe our backups have trouble with defense.

Varsity Tournament Round 3: Rams, 20-17/30 win.

Wait, we’re playing the Rams? Ok… possible finals preview. They have a lot of strong players… better be careful. We might need our defense to show up.

And there’s our defense, and our offense, and we beat the Rams! But we better watch out… just in case we face them again… also, how did the Moose lose 20-9?

Varsity Tournament Round 4: Moose, 5-3/6 win.

10-0 AGAINST THE MOOSE!!! And you know what that means? It means… WE’RE GOING TO THE PHILLY BOTTLE!!!

Also, GSVMT White beat the Fords…

Varsity Tournament Round 5: Churchmen, 27-20/30 win.

Hey wait a minute, I just realized that we’re down a player… Why do we always do this? At least it’s tied 3-3 right now…

And now they have a 3 point lead… I mean, we could still come back…

It’s been like 10 minutes since they got ahead by 3 and the Churchmen still have a 3 point 16-13 lead… but here comes our offense! We just tied it 16-16! And now we’re starting to get ahead! 20-16, 23-16… we just scored ten unanswered points.

WE WON!!! WE WON THE VARSITY TOURNAMENT!!! PROJECTED 1-19 AND WE WON THE VARSITY TOURNAMENT!!! And not only that, but that might have been the best Varsity Math match ever! And on Forest Ho-Chen’s homecoming!

Varsity Tournament 2023.

WE’VE WON THE VARSITY TOURNAMENT BY COMING BACK AGAINST THE CHURCHMEN IN THE PHILLY BOTTLE!!! And we won the Philly League regular season too… I know we’re graduating a lot of strong seniors this year… but at least we have the new Varsity Math GOAT to succeed Forest Ho-Chen. He just has to graduate.